I friggin heart you

This begins with a boilk.. my liver says help..

The heavy weight of valentines is always a difficult day to get through. Love is in the air, breakups are in the air, people are lonely, deliveries are being made, people are even nosier than they normally would be, singles band together – there’s a lot going on because of a made up holiday that honestly does nothing except propagate the giving out of cards that you didn’t print, flowers that will die, and chocolates that will make you fat.

Be weary of the old “Oh I don’t care about flowers, you should send me flowers everyday, in fact February 14 should be anti-valentines day” shtick. Pay attention now cause this is a valuable golden rule: Every girl loves receiving flowers at her place of employment. Whatever she tells you, no matter what she says, if you have a significant other and she works, send flowers to her office. It’s true that some girls don’t care about flowers, but it’s also true that all girls like to show off (directly or indirectly) that they got flowers on Valentines Day and rub in their valentine around the office. Don’t let her be that person without the flowers on her desk, you will never hear the end of it. She can toss the flowers at the end of the work day if they’re too much of a hassle to carry, it doesn’t really matter, but make sure she gets them on her desk sometime in the morning or you will unleash fury that you really shouldn’t be messing with.

This golden rule flower talk fits nicely with the next point.. A towering flower arrangement, a la overkill Bahrain style (also known as overkill Khaleeji style) wobbles its way to the building. Scoffing at the poor delivery guy trying his bestest to not topple the thing over into the elevator I’m thinking, you really didn’t have to overdo it pal, I’m sure she would’ve been happy with a regular bouquet of roses. The flowers get off on the same floor as me and make their way to the table of a male coworker. And here is my golden rule for the ladies.. No matter how much you love him, do not ever, under any circumstances send flowers to his place of employment.. if he likes flowers so much, have them waiting for him at home. I impart this wisdom to you because since the morning, the remarks and abuse have been hurled from all directions, and it doesn’t look like it’s gonna stop anytime soon. The poor sod’s manhood has taken a serious beating, quit it with the flowers or we will taunt him some more..

One thing that ruffles my imaginary feathers on Valentines is the over the top worry regarding dinner plans. You’re already succumbing to the demands of this made up day for lovers, but now you have to give in to the “creativity” of the chef for that special valentines meal? Unless it’s a meal prepared by Adria I don’t want a romanticly themed meal.. I want to eat what I came to eat, if it’s steak then steak, not a heart shaped meal. And the valentines inspired drink and the valentines inspired theme, give me a fucking break.. you want to make it romantic? Don’t interrupt and let me have my meal I came to eat with my lover in peace.

Some see today as the ideal time to pop the wedding proposal, at a nice fancy dinner, with the ring hidden in the soufle or floated down on a bubble or something. I must say one thing about proposing on Valentines day, go find a better cliché you romantically challenged cliché. Oh, and if you happen to have gotten married in Westminster town hall today 9 years ago.. you two are cheesy too, happy anniversary though, I love you guys..

What have we learned on this day of love and spite, where happiness is purchased via credit card and there’s no such thing as over the top? This is about that special someone, forget your friends and go find your lover. Close your eyes and have a dirty thought.