I rant you risten

Sunday, January 29, 2006


Extracted from the memory card of silly pictures

rainbow bright nearing the end of her career

does my tail look fat in these scales?

even bananas suffer from shrinkage after a dip in the ocean

hey larry, your gill's in my face, waitaminute that's not your gill, goddamit larry!

a whole lot of cancer

a message to all you impressionable crustaceans: Being a mule will result in lobster cavity searches, stay away from drugs kids

mmm, cerveza

samirai jack, new wave new wave

slam, da da daat, da da daat, let the boys be boys

my hand as featured in the vw ad that never was...

thifting to loodakrith thpeed

bloggers in the mirror appear stupider than they really are

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

SPAM, it's what's for dinner..

Don’t you hate getting chain letters - Or those “send these to 70 people and your wish will come true” emails - or bill gates will send you a jillion dollars if you email this to everyone on your mailing list..

I have to admit, I sometimes get these silly forwards, and then because I have a couple of minutes of free time, or I might be procrastinating the entire day, I’ll do the little quiz.. you pick your favorite color, you write down the your first initial, you spend the time of adding all the digits in your shoe size, birthday, and partner’s cycle. Then you make your wish - pluck out a strand of your hair and light it on fire repeating the chants in the email…

And then what? They tell you, now forward this to 5 people and your wish will come true, if you forward it to 10 people, your wish will come true before your next birthday.. Shit, you’re so close to your dreams of totalitarian world domination, but now you need to send this out to your friends.. This is when my neurotic thinking comes in, ok my friends will think I’m a totally mentally defective idiot for sending them this stupid forward, so what do I do? Plus what if someone else I send this to is also planning totalitarian world domination; do I want to ruin my chances? That’s when the address book scouring begins.. When I start searching for those old friends that I might have completely lost touch with, group partners from some of my classes in college, defunct emails, anything.. but then the thinking kicks into high gear, what will happen if the powers that be realize that I’m kinda cheating by forwarding this email to people I don’t really consider close friends? Will my wish not come true? You know what else pisses me off? When they actually include a story of how now you’re hexed, you must send this email out to this many people or something evil will befall you.. you really expect me to believe that? Beelzebub’s hanging around the web looking to cast evil down my way? “hmmm, that Bahraini rant bastard didn’t forward to 20 people, FIRE & BRIMSTONE HIS ASS EVIL MONKEYS!!!!!!!”

All this thinking then usually tires me out and I just delete the email forever giving up on my dreams to have the entire world sing praise to me… damn you good fortune forwards..

The other email spam I just can’t stand are the please give me your bank account emails..

It always starts the same way.. some poor kid in some underdeveloped country is sitting there telling you about how these rebels have killed his/her father who just so happened to be the ex-minister of mining gold, diamonds, and little people.. before the daddy got killed by Chuck Taylor Rebels (Klashnikovs and high tops) he took out 5 million dollars in unmarked US treasury bills, but they were locked up in a security firm in another underdeveloped country. The child then asks you for your bank account so they can transfer the money to your account and then have someone rewire the account and then they get your credit card number and then BABAM! You have USD 33,000 worth of calls to miss Cleo on your tab..

The thing that gets me on these emails, is that the grammar is atrocious.. I mean honestly, your daddy was the minister of mining gold, diamonds, and little people; and he couldn’t afford to give you a proper education? I knew a lot of kids in college that were the children of the most corrupt people in Africa, and they could all speak English or French good… and they get so chummy with you in those emails don’t they? Hello my friend, whoa whoa whoa, you’re asking me to be part of a money laundering ring, you’re not my buddy just yet… lets get to know each other first, lets maim some rebels together, do some ancient right of passage that would make me eat a living human thinking it’s a rib eye, maybe get a little militia going, poison a water supply or two, then we can get chummy pal..

What would really get my attention and would actually have me consider replying is if they just jazzed up their Spam email a little bit.. just a little more attention people, that’s all I’m asking, make it a little more enjoyable to read.. maybe they could change the circumstances.. the money could be in a security company in another town that’s run by the evil mayor who’s militia is made up of crazy drugged up rebels. Then what’s needed are the services of a crack ex gulf war rangers team, comprised of an aging leader who loves it when a plan comes together, the pretty intelligence dude, the psychotic transport specialist, and the big bad mothafuqa.. This team will have to make their way to the underdeveloped African country, meet the dead minister’s child, agree to the terms, devise a cunning plan to break into the security firms vault using a pimped out school bus and a map the pretty intelligence dude got from sleeping with the mayors wife. During their raid, they discover that the mayor is extremely corrupt and he’s pumping experimental chemicals from Pharmaceutical Corporation XYZ into the town’s water supply, leaving the townspeople feeling very nauseous and with irritable bowl movements.. A huge standoff could possibly ensue where the psychotic transportations specialist will get shot in the leg saving a malnourished child from being caught in the crossfire.. the battle rages on, the mayor captures the four heroes at gunpoint while he looks away the big bad mothafuqa throws a punch and lodges his fist in the mayor’s skull he dies and the militia disbands running off into the hills.. the security firm’s vault is broken open, the treasury bills are found, along with missing national treasures, a dodo, and a cure for AIDS.. and everyone goes home happy.. now that would warrant a USD 33,000 psychic friends network bill.. yeah…

Waitaminute, what? don’t listen to me.. I’m just babbling…

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Vocabulario #7 (i think)

Hope you haven’t completely given up on me - I’m back, for now.. this week’s vocabulario is brought to you by words ending in “-ious” .. take a look at them, mull them over, think about how you want to include them in your talk this weekend, and then thank this blog for making your vocabulary so much more colorful.. Remember, if you have a good word you’d like included in vocabulario email me at bahrainirants@gmail.com. It’s been weird this break from you.. I really have missed you, my personal space of stupidity… anyways, on with the words..

Word #1 Vivacious
Word #2 Bodacious
Word #3 Ostentatious

Enjoy and be merry..


Monday, January 16, 2006

Play Listing

Sitting with a jellybean, allowing the ol’Ipod to fill in the silence with its little memory banks of MP3s and good vibes. In my strange and twisted brain the subject of play lists came up, and that’s got me thinking.. how important they are in the life of today’s connected human..

I’m addicted to music.. I spent a good part of the 80s and the 90s making mix tapes.. I even perfected the pause between each track (a very concise lowering the volume on the recording tape and then pushing pause, so the break between each track wasn’t that obvious).. Nothing said I love you as much as a personalized mix.. the fact that you had two sides of recording - the fact that you could embellish the cover with artwork and print, or not – the fact that you picked the music and that you dumped that music on to this little wrapped up magnetic tape.. Ultimately, nothing made the cassette as cool as when you held it in your hand between your thumb and index finger a la Mike Myers from Wayne’s world “I think a little bohemian rhapsody, gentlemen” and then slipped it in the tape player for that moment of madness.. ahh yes the cassette tape, you brought so much joy, you brought so many young lovers together, so many breakups, so much emotion, so much everything.. I miss you Maxwell90 and even your little brother Maxwell60..

Over the years, as music got digitized, compact and mini discs came and went, people began ripping and sharing their music; the cassette tape brought less and less love into people’s lives.. The play list on the other hand, was a different story with a different purpose.. the play list continued to thrive and make people happy.. The play list still found a use in people’s lives.. the play list would be the indicator of your mood, your memory, your trip.. that specific album/mix/list/emotion/vibe allowed you to control the music that you were going to listen to.. you actually created how the tunes were going to flow, for that moment and forever..

I spent many afternoons preparing play lists for my road trips, my 80s fix, eclectically chilled out, pre-party mix, after party mix, super party mix, love in limbo, wise guys, bangbang headbangin’, cool days, snowy mornings, rainy days, fuckin’ hot, one hit wonders, brit pop, psychedelic, sinister sounds, damn it feels good to be a gangsta, guilty cheese, classically remembered, the me like series (me like dancin’, me like beautiful music, me like rockin’).. and I loved it every second of dragging and dropping.. I was wondering what other names people gave their play lists.. hmmm, well?

Looking back and flipping through old lists, the microfiche memories come rushing back like a drug induced flashback.. The music you listened to at that time, the feelings it brought back, the significance of the song and how it tied into that specific play list.. I’m not saying you had to be creative and make everything work and throw in a silly tag for each list.. but go through your old lists, listen to the music, do your little dance and remember. Associate feelings, conversations, with your music, this is the beauty of it all. I fell in love to my play lists, wallowed in my depression with them, got super hyper, invigorated my confidence, went back to the 8th grade, made beautiful love, people watched, connected with my dad and his taste in music, and so much more. Think about it the next time you want to arrange a couple of tracks in your library to provide you with something.. It’s just another way to retain a little piece of your life.. Enjoy it, cause memories like these are golden… To think, this whole thing was spurred from an inspiring play list entitled “release,” a tribute to a new life.. thanks for the moment jellybean..

love your music, cause it loves you back..