I rant you risten

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Update Man

My friends just had a baby.. Instead of me mourning the end of normal conversations with them forever, I was appointed the update man yesterday. During her labor, everyone was calling to find out the play by play, so they decided “hey, call br, he’s the agreed update man”. How did I get so lucky to be appointed this valuable position, read on dear reader, read on …

Phone call at 7AM morning: We’re in labor, let everyone at work know, I’ll keep you posted.
A half asleep me scratching his nuts and thinking about whether he needs to shave for work or not…
Me: right, well, good luck.

If someone informed me earlier that those four words signaled my acceptance on update man status, I would’ve not answered my phone. (as a side note: I work with the new father, so everyone at the office was turning to me for information). Getting to the office, I got inundated with phone calls, questions, and remarks on the delivery. To which my answer to all of this was: they’re in labor and that’s all I know, but I’ll keep you posted.

Phone call at 3PM: the baby has not assumed the birthing position, if it doesn’t work out then we’re going for a c-section.
Me: right, well, good luck.

Three text messages, two phone calls, and six emails later, I’d managed to update everyone on what’s happening. Then the fit really hits the shan. The people I notified spread the news that I am the update guy (a job I was doing my best to keep hidden) so I ended up getting a couple of more texts, some emails and a few callbacks on my office phone to take care of.

Text message at 5:30PM: nothing yet.
Me: does this qualify for keeping everyone informed?

Random people now start calling: hey what’s the news?
Me: nothing yet, but I’ll keep you posted.

Phone call at 6:45PM: she’s going in for a c-section..
My text message to everyone: they’re going in for a hail Caesar, shotgun formation.

7 twenty something, the baby is finally born and welcomed to this world, very healthy and well endowed. The overjoyed father calls the update man to spread the good news, and no one picks up. I spent all of yesterday keeping people updated with banal news on the labor session, and when the real news emerges, I have my phone on silent. I failed my only objective, which was to notify everyone of the birth, leaving a bunch of people sans information about the little guy. The good news: My failure means that I’ll never be update man again..


Notes from behind the bike shed said...

Waseem's new title is Oonkle Pinkbike

Mo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mo said...

Ahh, the shotgun formation. Gives you enough time to think and toss before that big defensive end comes crashing in to you. You might even decieve them all with a draw and let your back do all the work for the team..

Compare it to childbirth, shall we? The baby has pocket presence, and it doesn't want to roll out into the world in case if gets sacked by a quick CB. What you need to do in this case is blitz the womb and force it out into the open. The offensive line can be easily defeated with a neat Pfannenstiel incision.

Peyton Manning's made it to the big game. I dislike the guy intensely, but I'm rooting for him to win it. Better him than Rex.

Seroo said...

Congratulations to the new parents & Oonkle Pinkbike. Edu, congratualtions to you for not messing up pre-child birth, you did a good job.

Bikeshed, can I get "pink" included in my cool Auntie nickname too? Always good to score brownie points with the little one, especially as I am her favourite...

Cerebralwaste said...


You never fail to have me splitting my sides with laughter!

Keep em' coming!

sillybahrainigirl said...

LOL! As usual .. a hilarious recount of an unenviable situation your friend forced you into!! Now you know better!

Hasan said...

Another BR Happy/Tragic Ending, I guess :)

See ya soon!