up up and away

I watched the new superman movie,, it was cool,, but it brought about a lot of superhero movie talk.. I will say one thing about the movie though, DC did sort out the Kryptonite Condom debate..

The Superman debacle..
According to some, he is the most powerful superhero in the fictional realm of comic books.. he may have x-ray vision, super strength, the power of flight and all that good stuff; but I just don’t think Superman is the greatest superhero ever… my statement caused a little bit of ruckus.. my point being that Kryptonite is superman’s weakness, find enough of it and he’s a goner.. you build a cage out of kryptonite, terrorize some woman and hold her hostage, have her scream help, superman will fly in to save the day, pull the lever and drop the kryptonite cage, and superman’s yours.. the oldest trick in the book, and I’m positive he’ll fall for it.. cause he’s that much of a goody two shoes..

Would it kill Superman to use his powers for a little personal betterment.. if you had superman’s powers, how would you use them? Would you go out and risk your life day in day out to save those in need? Personally, the first person I would help is me.. here are just some of the things I would use my superpowers for, off the top of my head..

x-ray vision: a superpower with endless potential.. apart from the obvious of checking out what’s underneath that pretty dress - I would hit Vegas and gamble my heart’s content, using my powers at the blackjack and poker tables.. all in? you’re on bitch... Hit me, I said HIT ME DAMMIT!! I would also fuck around with all the hustlers on the streets of all major cities with the “follow the queen” card game, or the famous find the nut under the cup (or whatever that game’s called). Make some quick cash, and when they come to mug me and steal the money back, I’d beat them into next tuesday with my super strength. Ladies, the locker room will also be free territory, and you better believe that I will.. umm huhh.. Giving public speeches would never be easier, instead of just picturing everyone naked, you can actually see them naked.. I’d never pick the short straw.. life would be good..

super strength: apart from the obvious of twisting metal bars like balloon sculptures at birthday parties.. “here ya go kid, it’s a giraffe” CRUNCH!! “ohh hehehh excuse me, I forgot, your little 7 year old body can’t hold onto the weight.. what was I thinking.. heehehhee little fella musta broke a rib or something..” I would also forget about parallel parking, just pick up the car and safely place it in its parking spot.. compete in the world arm wrestling tournament and kick ass.. and I would bitch slap Hulk Hogan for the Ultimate Warrior.. I would definitely wrestle a rhino for my daily workout..

super speed: I’d compete in the Olympics as Bahrain’s only athlete, and win every single gold medal.. I’d then take all the gold medals, melt them into one huge medal and wear that around my neck, as a true Olympian..

flight: fly right up to a commercial airplane in mid flight and hang out on the wing waving at passengers.. I would fly into every single concert and major sporting event without paying for my tickets.. go on a tandem skydive and then freak the jumper attached to me, and not pull the cord.. Start up a pizza delivery service with pizzas flown directly from naples… I would fly up Everest, then take a leak off the top and take a picture of that.. I would definitely do you know what in mid air flight..

icy breath / heat vision: hey buddy, what the beer’s warm? No problem.. cue in icy breath.. here’s your ice cold beverage.. yeah what would you do without me.. you wanna see something cool? I can bbq those steaks with my heat vision.. cue in heat ray with accompanying heat ray sound.. how do you like yours done, medium rare? Sure baby.. and might I add, that’s some sexy underwear you have on..

What would you do with your superhuman powers, if you had them?


Another thought I had in regards to the whole superhero meditative sessions, is: what are the insurance premiums in these cities that house superheroes like? Will your car insurance have maniacal villain coverage? How about buildings? Who would insure and then who would reinsure? I’m interested to know someone’s theories on the structure of the insurance industry in these superhero cities…

It’s Thursday, give me a break..