I rant you risten

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

the art of the bahraini pull

This is something that I’ve always found totally intriguing… In the Middle East, meeting a member of the opposite sex and starting a relationship requires quick thinking, a lot of talk time, and secret agent skills that match James Bond…

Let’s say you’re strolling along in a undisclosed shopping mall, you decide you need that double espresso and you need it right now.. At the corporate world domination coffee shop, you spot this delicious bellabambina in front of you in the line… your eyes meet and she smiles… OK NOW STOP… if you were anywhere else in the world, then you might decide to start up a conversation on how you love Kenyan double dark roasts because they really release the true flavor of the beans or some bullshit like that.. but you’re in the middle east and that line isn’t going to cut it.. Instead, you must turn on your cell phone, activate the blue tooth transmission on your phone and hope that you can find her and send her a text message… she will also have her blue tooth turned on the prowl for interesting names… once you get her name you can start texting which will eventually lead to calling and then hopefully on to bigger and better things… The only problem is that everyone and their mother has their blue tooth on, scooping the cellular chick frequencies, so panache and guile is a must.

Before the advent of cell phones and blue tooth, people used to write their number on a little piece of paper and give it to the girl or the guy… Some poor sods actually went out of their way and had their numbers printed on special paper with a little catchphrase like: I want to whisper soft poetry into your ear… I’ve actually seen the number paper transfer executed with such class and precision that you’d think they’re trading government secrets… It’s just unbelievable… I’ve never even bothered to try because I don’t know what to do… Do you hand over the number? Toss it over (if you do toss it, underhand or overhand)? Oh and if you don’t know, people are number hungry here, the sequence or the simplicity of a number really gets the girl going, because then she thinks “hmm this guy’s got a good number, I bet he drives a nice car”. So to answer your question, if you’re going to pull in this manner, then you’re going for a materialistic WAP (wannabe princess) and long walks on the beach holding hands is out of the question…

I once heard that guys in Saudi pick women based on their shoes… Since the women there are usually covered from head to toe, then you might want to consider the Manolo Blahnik pumps over the size 50 European medical arch supporting flats.. can you believe that? Shoes, what a phenomenon, that’s how you weed the women out there… If anyone actually reads this, can you verify? I’m interested to know… what do you do if you pick the girl out, then plan to meet with her again and you tell her to wear the same shoes; but then get screwed because she was wearing a popular sneaker that everyone’s wearing these days?

Once you’ve found your blue tooth honey, you guys have to start talking on the phone… Now this is the part that can be quite tiresome… You guys exchange phone calls, spend hour after hour of precious network talk time, doing absolutely nothing… I’ve sat in on and observed one of these talks and had to leave 20 minutes cause it was going nowhere… allow me to demonstrate: phone rings… (hello?) 5 minutes of silence (shlonek- how are you) another 5 minutes of silence (I’m good, I’m thinking about you) yet another 5 minutes of silence (really? I’m thinking about you too) you guessed it, another 5 minutes of silence, and that’s when I walked out of the room. Hopefully the phone calls will end up somewhere and you might actually get a chance to have a private moment with your newfound love…

Another way you can pull is by having a cell phone… Desperate people in Bahrain, spend lots of time with their phones randomly calling people, or they might actually find some stranger’s number and then out of the blue give them a call.. Those phone conversations can be very interesting to sit in on cause both people are playing both offense and defense (when you’re trying to start a relationship with a stranger over the phone, you have to be)… Don’t want to get into the details, but if you’re a pro then you’ll bag whomever your talking to; otherwise you’ll just get chewed up and spit out…

I think what I’m trying to get at, is that this is how business is conducted in terms of relationships… I’m oblivious to this and really don’t even know where to start, nor do I have a desire to even try… People here are so hung up on the bling, that they’ll forgo on the relationship building and the getting to know you bit (if you haven’t kept up on urban phraseology of the past 4 years, bling is defined as the shine that hits your eye when someone is wearing diamonds, so when you say “check out my bling” that means check out the really expensive stuff I’ve got). Talking to a member of the opposite sex, shouldn’t be such a secret or require such crazy methods.. Meeting someone should be fun, not complicated, what if you don’t have blue tooth? Or you don’t have the bling? You shouldn’t be shit out of luck.. People need to drop these false pretenses and just go with the flow. The problem is that many people like to go with the flow, but they’ve been burned so many times, that they’ve got these 15-foot high walls with barbed wire and guard dogs. Guys, we need to stop being assholes, a little respect and courtesy will go a long way, & stop spreading the false rumors. Ladies, give the lads a chance, we’re not all assholes… oh and everybody… can we tone down the materialistic bullshit just a bit? It’s ok to be a fashionista, but don’t hold it against someone if they’re not…

Note to my bellabambina: Baby, I would never even attempt to do something as stupid and silly as this, I know better. You’d catch me, then fricassee my privates and serve them with a little bit of fresh parsley as a garnish. I’m the luckiest guy on the planet and I love you..

10 comments:

Mahmood Al-Yousif said...

Man this is classy shit. unfortunately I missed out on all of this bruhaha (not MOBILES in MY day, let alone bluetooth!) we just walked up to the girl and started chatting. The worst that could happen is that you will be snubbed. You'll feel like an asswipe for a couple of seconds then you try again! Much better than this bluetooth protocol.

Still, this is much better than driving around all day chasing each other and hoping for a glimpse.

Red Devil said...

I have personally been the victim of random women calling me or texting. It usually starts on the defensive from my part, I always think I must know the person from somewhere (loud obnoxious buzzer sound) WRONG. So I am nice and I pretend that I know the person but am suffering from a temporary lapse in memory. However, it soon becomes apparent that we both have no idea who we are talking to. Hence, the emergence of my new 'flirting with Bahraini chics' persona, el Bachelor Grande. The trick is never reveal too much, always insinuate and let them come up with their conclusions. They will literally fantasize about you for weeks (I wish I could fantasize for weeks without creaming myself)

At the moment I am regularly talking to 2 of these girls about whom I know nothing about. I do it purely for my own sexual curiosity. Im planning a viewing soon...will let you know how it goes...

Anonymous said...

Great post. This phenomenon is very interesting from a social point of view. I think you'll find that people in the Arab world "love" their phones more than anywhere else. Have you ever seen the crowds at your local Starbucks? Just sitting and either talking, or typing into their phones! This is the only outlet for all our social restrictions. How sad...

Mahmood Al-Yousif said...

and this is on a friend's phone who stupidly has left his bluetooth on during the recent GT race at the BIC!

Bahraini Rants said...

it's funny you should mention Starbucks anonymous joe... I have a weakness for double espressos and i feel violated everytime I have to stop off at the seef mall starbucks to service this addiction... the stares, the scoffs at my unruly hair, or ratty baseball cap... Like this skirt knows anything about anything, yet she's already judged my appearance and prove me unfit for telephony love. absofuckinlutely pathetic if you ask me..

I've even heard that the guys these days are just way too smooth for their own good and have started to send out porn to the ladies via bluetooth (you know to weed out the tarts from the prudes)... what if the chick really gets turned on from the picture you sent and then realizes that you don't have that penis? what have you accomplished now bucko? I hope you have a really expensive fast car...

Bahrania said...

boy, do me and my mates have fun on the bluetooth.

Put a pathetic name like Bahraini Sexy Princess. Get like non-stop bluetooth traffic comprising of phone numbers, airy-fairy pictures of flowers and kisses, and the odd dirty foto.

Then forward all of these to the next guy on the bluetooth list. Now this guy thinks that you've sent him your fone number. I just wish i can see his face when he calls it up to see that its the guy on the next table :) sad

Or my medic friends, just send out their nastiest surgical photographs of open-heart surgery. Its definitely worth the cheap thrill of seeing the reaction.... hehehe yes..to anyone out there who received one of those..that was me :)

Actually the buzz has gone now. Im scared of all the viruses that go around. I keep the bluetooth firmly OFF in public places. I don't want anyone downloading my number lists.

Preternatural_aL said...

ha ,, this explains the "hello" and 5 min silence from a wrong number.. sank u sank u very much..and also y u have to HUNT for a space at Starbucks...
Cheers

Anonymous said...

Okay this is my first visit to this blogg and i have to say i find it very interesting. I was born and raised in L.A. California on traditional Jordanian values, with of course the American culture. Making this long story short, I come from a conservative family.
So, my first question is, what is a blue tooth and I cant believe this is the what young arabs are doing. What happened to the traditional way of meeting someone for marriage at weddings or through different family or friends events? It is just amazing at how fast the middle east is westernizing, yet behind closed doors. i dont know if it is a good thing or a bad thing, but i find it fasinating to study and to hear the viewpoints about these social issues from people living in that region.
keep up the great work on your blogg!
Linda

Bahraini Rants said...

linda,

bluetooth explained in a nutshell: a group of huge companies: Motorola, Nokia, Sony, Ericsson, HP, IBM (I think) and a bunch of other companies decided they wanted to make a common language that their devices could speak... so they invented bluetooth which allows your gadgets to speak to each other with no wires attached... phones can speak to phones via a bluetooth network, your headphones can link up to your stereo, your mouse can link up to your laptop, the possiblities are endless..

people in Bahrain use their bluetooth connection to see which users have their connection up and running on their cellphone, so you can find out who's in your immediate range (up to a couple of meters) for some stranger texting... Blue-snarfing is a new tech term that refers to people hacking other people's cellphones using the bluetooth connection... Whoa, talk about getting off topic, sorry...

Back to people and dating in Bahrain... I've only given you a small look into what goes on here... We do have the traditional form of meeting people: Arranged marriages, family merger marriages, through friends and all that good stuff... But hitting the local starbucks is a very popular place to check out the scene... very sad.. but I think it boils down to a repressed lifestyle... People aren't allowed to be themselves and meet people casually, so everything has to be done behind closed doors, or via random phone calls, or via wireless connections... very sad I know... but there's stil hope for the future...

hope that helps
edu

driving down glendale avenue...

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