cinema pingpong (the scousers get it)

I love movies… There’s nothing I enjoy more than being able to tune out for a couple of hours and just follow the story of alien invaders, a female boxer, a tasteless comedy, a gut wrenching drama – whatever you want… Having become a seasoned cinemagoer and an ex-gold card carrying member of Hollywood video (that gold rental card does wonders with the ladies), I’ve figured out what pisses me off when watching a movie and what I can avoid to ensure a decent movie experience. I have a pattern of things I do at the movies, I try to get there slightly early to ensure a good seat, fully loaded with snacks and supplies, a pre-flick slash, I’ll even bring a sweater to the movie with me to combat the air conditioners…

Modus operandi at the cinema involves disbanding into smaller tactically driven units. One team will wait in line to pick up the tickets and pick seats not too far from the screen – the other team will line up to get snacks – there are stand ins waiting in the wings to step in if nature calls while you’re waiting in line.

I just thought I’d share some movie tips and annoyances that you might also harbor – I know I’m not alone on this one…

Obnoxious assholes at the movie theater – these people suck… These are the budding comedians that feel the need to adlib and try out their material in the middle of your movie experience. Hombre, no one is interested in your comments, keep your incredible sense of humor to yourself and save it for the stage. A friend once came over to my place after the cinema but couldn’t tell me how the movie was because some obnoxious person would not Keep quiet in the theater, and the police had to be brought in to remove this punk… You’d have to be on some serious hallucinogenics to be oblivious to everyone in the movie theater telling you to shut the hell up… the thing I don’t understand is that if you’re going to take a hallucinogenic and be oblivious to the outside world – why on earth would you go to the movie theater? If you’re planning on getting drunk and being loud, then the movie theater has to be the dumbest place to go… Some people like to go against the grain and do “their” thing – well allow me to tell you that your thing sucks fucknut..

I just watched the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy this weekend – and thanks to a cackle of the most inappropriately dressed for the cinema (more on that later) bitches (yes bitches, there’s no other way of referring to them – well maybe the one that kept on apologizing for her friends – she can be free from the bitch title) – I couldn’t enjoy the movie.. The head bitch, with her short dress and matching ethnic trinkets barely covering up her hippo thighs - starts talking because she just can’t seem to grasp the plot that Douglas Adams has been revered for… This, (again I’m sorry for the language but everyone in that cinema will be able to back me up on this one) BITCH, sat there talked on her phone, decided to play around with the flashlight on her cell phone taking a look at the movie goers, and started talking about how she lent this guy money and he wasn’t going to pay her back (maybe cause you’re the spokesperson for STDs you fucking inconsiderate douche bag). Walking around with her pretentious supermodel (I just came in from Milan where I was officially made the “&” in Dolce & Gabbana) – yet she has the class, the looks, and attitude of a fat phone sex operator working the graveyard shift servicing drunk bastards with nothing at the end of the night but their dick in their hand… Somebody went and called the usher in cause they couldn’t believe that it was a woman who was being so obnoxious (living in Bahrain, it’s usually a man who’s the obnoxious prick at a movie) – the cackle was asked to grab a hold of themselves but nothing came out of it. I’m praying for warts in your not too distant future. ok –that’s out of my system.. lady, you were a fucking bitch… ok, now it’s really gone…

Nonchalant moviegoers – I avoid these people like the plague… This is the person that when you tell them, “be there at 4:30- the movie starts then, they’ll show up at around 4:45, and you’re stuck waiting for them because you’ve got their ticket… or lets say you’re running late to the movies and there’s that nonchalant moviegoer who has to go and get popcorn and snacks.. These are the people that will tell you “don’t worry there’s at least 10 minutes of upcoming releases” – and then when you walk into the movie, you realize you’ve just missed the quintessential point to the film that would have answered so many questions you will have in the next 45 minutes to an hour…

Censoring – I understand Bahrain is a Muslim nation and that there might be children watching the film… nudity is forbidden, and I can respect that. But why are you going to rate the film if you’re just going to snip it up? Why must my intelligence and maturity be compromised because the censorship authority must dictate what I can and can’t watch at the movie theater? Many teens, growing up in high schools can probably teach the leading actors about to have a moment a thing or two. We can’t hide this stuff anymore from the kids; you might as well start talking to them about it before it’s too late… It’s not the pervert inside me that is complaining about the kissing (he is satisfied with copious amounts of pornography on the internet at the tip of his fingers) – it’s the moviegoer… I can’t tell you how many times the credits would roll around, and they’re the type of credits where they show you the actor or actress and have his/her name under. There would be a couple of shots of actors from the movie that I had no idea who they were… I’m talking about entire scenes cut – for what reason? I don’t know… If you consider us adults, then treat us like adults… just because you feel that religion doesn’t promote this, and the scene interferes with your view of religion then don’t go to the movie theater and don’t let your children go – the rest of us enjoy watching films and we want to see how the story unfurls…

Talkies - These people drive me mad… They love to talk during the movie… I can understand if you missed a line, or something hasn’t registered and you need to ask a clarification question – that’s cool… but if you’re expecting me to explain the plot twists or character development or a question that will require an answer of more than 5 words – that’s un-cool man, really un-cool… You can’t expect me to sit there and be your personal movie buff; watch it in silence and then ask your questions when the movie’s over, who knows, maybe you’ll figure it out for yourself. I can’t stand people that actually don’t have a problem with talking during the movie… I mean, what could have possibly happened from the time you were outside and could talk to your friend freely, to now, when you’re inside the movie theater? The cell phone is another enemy of mine at the cinema.. I mean honestly, you saw the sign – turn off the cell phone or keep it on mute… I understand the might be an emergency, but that’s what the vibrating alert is for right? Do you really think me and everyone else at the theater bought tickets so we can listen to your unbelievably uneventful life? Talking on the phone, is one of the most annoying things you might have to endure at a movie theater here... cut it out… If your friend calls, then don’t answer, leave your phone in the car, isn’t that a little liberating? For those 2 measly hours, no one can contact you?

Cinema Attire - One of the best thing about living in the US was being able to catch all the new releases when they came out.. Saturday afternoons were reserved for the cinema… What I always found strange is the way people dressed for the cinema… Casual, relaxed, people on dates dressed up smartly.. Then, I hate to admit it, you had the Arabs.. I’m not saying all Arabs, because there were many whom remained in their university sweatpants, jeans, sneakers, flipflops, and baseball cap… But there were some and I mean some of the women that would get decked out: pull out the latest thousand dollar handbag made by a Chinese French designer that doesn’t have a name (it’s pronounced more like a sound effect)… throw on their flashy designer jeans (the jeans that go out of their way to remind that they’re designer).. Makeup that would make you think MAC was having a “going out of business sale”.. Do you know how incredibly stupid that looked? A movie theater? Where it was going to be dark? Granted sometimes these women had gone out to dinner beforehand and had a need to get dressed up… The other women that really had no reason – dressed up because they wanted to be seen looking really “hot and trendy“ in the darkness of a movie theater – has that sunk in yet? The darkness of a movie theater. Anyways, you can dress anyway you feel like it, and if you could afford to drop that much cash on a new weekly wardrobe, then all the power to you… I just thought it was kinda odd that you’d get dolled up for the movies…

This whole thing started because of that cackle of disgusting, inconsiderate, ill-mannered and probably ho-ing group of women that should have read the synopsis on the Hitchhiker’s guide to the Galaxy before they decided to ruin the movie for everyone in the cinema… I still can’t tell if I liked the movie or not – I think I’m going to have to watch it again…