king of my castle...

I’ve always found architecture in Bahrain to be such a fascinating thing… well not really fascinating, more along the lines of “What were you thinking buddy?” I mean ok to each his own, you want to build a house, then go for it, do what you want as long as you’re happy... But if it looks stupid, then I’m within my right to laugh at your castle…

Columns are the true craze in Bahrain, if you don’t have at least two columns outside your house, then you might as well shoot your Architect… … it’s like that Mel Brooks History of the World line “Columns columns columns turn any hovel to a showplace”. That line really works here… for those of you that live in Bahrain, next time you’re out on a drive, go take a look at all the columns at the entrance to people’s houses… It’s like people go to visit architects, they like what they see, then they offer their own opinion (fair enough it’s their house)… “well we like what you’ve done with the rotunda and the glass menagerie looks great… but the entrance to the house is still missing something… me the ‘Madame’ feel like it could use a couple more columns… “ It’s like keeping up with the Joneses but Bahraini style… When I build my dream house someday, there’s gonna be 18 greco-roman marble columns gracing the entrance to my house announcing my arrival to the neighborhood…

Another house touch up is the latest fake rock wall that people are going for these days.. The problem is that not only is it not real rock, but these people have refused to try and get a more “real rock color, “ no they go for the in your face, shit brown rock in hope of the grand canyonish rock wall feel… delightful…

People have gotten so much more creative with their painting.. they now go for the camouflage effect. I have a neighbor who decided that when his dream house was built, he wanted to go for shocking more than anything… So this bozo spends his money on getting his house painted to look like (wait for it – imagine.. just imagine) a Saharan camouflage Giraffe print??? I know… just try to digest what I’ve just described and think about it for a second… Fucking insane if you ask me..

Another one of my neighbors (yes the weird houses all moved into my block – we’re thinking of moving) got a little stumped on what he could do with the extra space outside his house right on the road. A light bulb goes on and then it explodes in his head leaving him with an idea… The dude, decides he wants a fake “well” built outside his house on the main road, y’know to give off this Oasis / Wild West feel to his abode… So he went and blew some of his cash on having this fake rock well built and then to just add that finishing touch, he attached a bucket to a rope and hung it off the well, y’know for effect… I wonder if he blames himself for being a dumb ass that someone stole the bucket off the well… I mean what are you thinking? Hey let me tie up the horses and fetch them a pail of water, they sure look thirsty…

Architecture here used to be so intelligent, people would utilize their materials to work with the type of climate here… No air conditioning? No problem, we’ll build these wind towers on our roofs and they’ll help channel the cool air down to the house… Humidity and heat? Not a problem, we’ll build the foundation of the house using coral stones and they’ll suck up the humidity in the walls and keep the floor cool… Everyone here is so obsessed with building houses out of concrete and cement and it just leaves me wondering why? Generations and generations of builders had it right.. can’t we come up with some sort of agreement? Use some of the architecture of our past and some from today to make some great looking houses?

Real architects on this island are a dying breed, being replaced by cut and paste experts willing to do anything for a buck… If the client’s design wont work, you should inform them… let them know what their options are… I’ve seen a couple of Architectural Marvels in my short lifetime and they usually leave me awestruck. I get that same feeling when I see old Bahraini Architecture and its beautiful simplicity. Why would anyone want to throw it all away? An architect once told me, when you design, everything needs to have a purpose, “form follows function”… we need to bring that kind of thinking back to this region. You shouldn’t design something for someone if it’s not right… Money is money and you want to flaunt it, by all means, but spend the money wisely… why give yourself a stupid paint job when in a year or two you’re going to have to touch it up again… As Mies Van der Rohe said, “less is more.”

Today, practices in Bahrain have databases of so called architectural styles from which they do a cut and paste job and hey presto here’s your house… But what are these choices based on? They are based on an incorrect preconceived ideas of what ‘western’ (especially American) architecture is ie: “80s Dynasty style” once admired as the pinnacle of architecture and borrowed to convey importance and used as a symbol of status… This is a big no no, they have their architecture and it works for them, we need to take what we have and rethink it… Take everything back to the blackboard and use our past to help bring back an identity to our future…

In closing, you really should do whatever you please with your house, it’s your house, you should make it as comfortable as possible… but the outside of your house does reflect on the neighborhood… so do us all a favor and before you go out and have your house painted magenta and lime green, stop for a second and think about it… what does it say about you?

job satisfaction...

Dream Job #1:
Model Scout: long hours spent on the beaches of Brazil looking for the next super model. The job would lead to a lot of traveling to all sorts of destinations around the world inspecting the most beautiful women. Will never have a problem with getting in anywhere (bars, clubs, restaurants, private parties, anywhere) because you’ll always have a group of wannabe models following you around… and to make this all better, you’re getting paid to do all of this… “Babe, Adriana Lima is where she is cause she listened to me and I took her to the top… by the way I’ll need to take some photos…” Muwaahahahaha

Dream Job #2:
Sporting Director for FC Barcelona: I didn’t choose an English or Italian team, because they like to have the Presidents and Chairmen handle all the negotiating. In Spain, things are a little different, it’s the Sporting Director who wines and dines the players, travels to negotiate the final deal with the new south American phenomenino, negotiates their contracts, provides the link between the player and the club.. yeah that would be cool. (think Jorge Valdano at the birth of the Galacticos – but for FCB instead – Viva Catalunya).

Dream Job #3:
Freelance Writer for popular music magazines: I’m not a Superstar DJ, nor am I a gifted musician, but I’d sure like to tell their stories… Rock concerts, backstage parties, sets on the beach in Punta Del Este… whoa… No dress code, mobile office, and you spend the rest of your free time writing that novel that you’ve been thinking about…

Dream Job #4:
Pirate: The wind in your hair, looting and plundering, a secret pirate island, a lass in every port, a loyal yet fierce crew, the best rum ever stolen, cool clothes, stories about mermaids – sharks - and killer penguins… Aarrrrrrr… the adventures of a pirate what a wonderful life it would be… just think of all the cool things you could do – hold the world’s supply of ramen noodles for ransom…

Dream Job #5:
Personal Masseuse to Helena Christiansen: Yummy

Ok, so what’s your dream job?

I miss that cola guzzling Camel…

I grew up in the 80s… before Nintendo, arcades, and malls; before everything, we had our public gardens… I remember them being green and I remember them being a load of fun… running around, there were playgrounds, there were mini-rides, and there were animals… The most memorable animal from my childhood was a camel from the Salmaniya Garden…

As the afternoon weather got more pleasant, you’d make your way to the Garden and spend a couple of hours playing, running around until the Camel would arrive… As soon as you’d see the Camel plodding along with its trainer, you’d run off to buy a glass bottle of Soda Pop (Pepsi, Miranda, 7Up, whatever was available)… I know you’re going to think I’m insane for doing this, but I’d run up to the camel, and he’d bend his head down as if saying something and with his puckered lips take the bottle of soda. The Camel would then raise his head up, chug that bottle of soda, and finish off the performance by spitting that bottle as far as his camel lips could spit… this was such a cool thing to see, I mean the glass bottle projectile would fly out of this mouth and if you were in the way, you really needed to dodge, and fast… I wasn’t the only kid who thought a cola guzzling camel was a cool thing, kids lined up and bought bottle after bottle…

It didn’t take long before the camel keeled over and died… I’m sure all those fizzy drinks had something to do with it all… looking back, I remember Miranda (orange soda) had a marketing campaign with a puppet camel that drank the sodas and gave a thumbs up for Miranda… So maybe subconsciously we (kids) thought it was ok to feed the camel drinks… who knows… does anyone ever remember the poor camel’s name?


I miss that camel...